There comes a time in our lives when the battle between who we think we should be or should look like, and who we authentically are, has to end.  Our efforts must shift to quality of life and quality of health…a far cry from a size, shape or restrictive diet plan.  Our brains are tired of shame, judgment and structure that must be followed to maintain and image that, truth be told, does not bring about joy or peace.  It is an element of control that drives our worth. 

For many of us, our relationship with food has been shaped by a culture that worships thinness and fears fatness. We’re taught, often from a very young age, that our bodies are problems to be fixed and that our worth is tied to a number on the scale or a size on a tag. This constant pressure can leave us feeling like we’re ‘failing’ at eating, at health, and even at life. Research shows that weight stigma itself is linked with poorer physical and mental health, independent of body size (Puhl & Suh, 2015).

But what if your eating habits, even the ones you want to change, have actually been trying to help you?

Emotional eating, overeating, chronic dieting, or numbing out with food are not signs that you are broken. They’re signs that you’ve been coping. Food may have helped you get through loneliness, stress, trauma, or overwhelming expectations. Eating can be a legitimate coping strategy in the short term (Timmerman & Acton, 2001), even if it stops serving you later.

Honoring your past with food means recognizing that your behaviors made sense in the context of your life. You did the best you could with the tools you had. When we see this clearly, change stops being about punishment and starts being about care. Approaches like self-compassion are associated with better eating patterns and less disordered eating (Braun et al., 2016). 

When we identify what we really need to feel fully satisfied and start healing our minds and bodies, we can rest in what is and watch our bodies adapt.  From a personal perspective, I would like to share that as a Nutritionist and former athlete, I was under the microscope.  Not only was I teaching and coaching Nutrition and Lifestyle, I was trying to uphold this image of a strong, svelte, attractive Mom who had it all together.  In addition, I was working in a corporate job that fully served a lifestyle that was necessary at the time, but I was deeply longing for more satisfaction in life.  I took the leap of faith to leave that role and slowly but surely, I let go of the daily grind of calories in vs calories out and punitive exercise, and yes, I was going through the Menopause Transition, but instead of resisting it, I surrendered to it.  Was it hard?  Of course….  and unfamiliar, and uncomfortable and frustrating, but I am so happy to say that I am the most satisfied I have ever been in my life.  My financial situation is challenging, as I chose to leave security behind, my body is different than it was 10 years ago, but I am not exhausted from controlling the “ideal” with external validation with my body and having more “things” aka materialism and social pressure.  I call it the “not-enough-ed-ness” syndrome.    I have so much more space and grace for living and choosing my path each day instead of conforming to the societal norm.  When you are “on purpose”, you don’t sweat the small stuff and the time you save trying to be perfect gets channeled into your dreams.

Here is a 4 step process to support your eating behaviors and beliefs and drop into self-acceptance and surrender to just being you. You might just find your body and mind become aligned.

Step 1: Name What Your Eating Has Done for You

Instead of asking, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ try asking, ‘What has this pattern been doing for me?’

You might notice:

• Eating at night helps me unwind when my day has been emotionally draining.
• I restrict all day because I’m terrified of gaining weight and being judged.
• I eat quickly because taking time for myself has always felt selfish.

This isn’t about justifying everything you do with food. It’s about acknowledging that your behaviors have had a purpose. When you recognize that purpose, you can begin to look for new ways to meet those same needs, without shame. This kind of gentle awareness is in line with mindful and intuitive eating approaches, which are associated with healthier psychological and behavioral outcomes (Tylka & Kroon Van Diest, 2013).

Step 2: Release the ‘Good’ vs. ‘Bad’ Body Story

Diet culture thrives on the belief that smaller is better and bigger is worse. This belief keeps you at war with your body and disconnected from your own wisdom. Weight-inclusive models such as Health at Every Size (HAES®) challenge this narrative and emphasize respect for body diversity, eating for well-being, and joyful movement (Bacon & Aphramor, 2011).

Begin gently challenging the ‘good vs. bad’ body story:

• Notice how often you label your body, or someone else’s, as ‘good,’ ‘bad,’ ‘letting yourself go,’ or ‘back on track.’
• Ask yourself: Who taught me this? Who benefits from me believing I’m never enough?
• Practice neutral language: ‘This is my body right now.’ ‘These are my current behaviors.’ Body neutrality is often a more accessible step than forced body love.

Your worth is not a before-and-after photo. You are not a project. You are a person.

Step 3: Honor Your Past, Then Ask What You Need Next

Take a quiet moment and reflect:

• How has food helped me cope, survive, or feel safe?
• What am I grateful to my past self for, even if I now want to do things differently?

You might even say: ‘Thank you, old patterns, for getting me this far. I’m ready to learn new ways to care for myself now.’

From there, consider small, compassionate shifts:

• Curious check-ins instead of criticism. When you overeat or binge, ask, ‘What was I needing in that moment?’ not ‘Why did I do this again?’ This kind of curiosity aligns with motivational interviewing and behavior-change research showing that autonomy and acceptance support more sustainable change (Miller & Rollnick, 2013).
• Adding, not just subtracting. Instead of focusing only on what to cut out, ask what you can add, more regular meals, a snack before you get overly hungry, a glass of water, five minutes of breathing before heading to the pantry.
• Permission to eat adequately. Chronic restriction is strongly associated with episodes of overeating and bingeing (Polivy & Herman, 1985). Nourishing yourself consistently is not ‘failing’; it’s foundational.

Step 4: Build a Future Rooted in Respect

Lasting change doesn’t come from shame, fear, or self-hatred. It comes from respect, respect for your body, your history, and your needs and aligning your behaviors with your value system.  It is showing up for yourself like you show up for everyone else.  It is stopping the cycle of abandoning your own mind and body when you are dissatisfied with your circumstances.  Your body is your best friend and has the ability to tell you exactly what it needs if you communicate with it and respect it. 

You can honor the part of you that survived by using food while also learning new ways to thrive. You can desire change without rejecting who you are right now.

Your journey with food is not a straight line, and it doesn’t need to be. Every step, including the ones that feel messy, is part of the story of you learning to live in your body with more ease, dignity, and care. You are worthy of that, exactly as you are, at every size, on every step of the path. 

Lastly, I must clarify, that it is our responsibility to treat our bodies with care for longevity and quality of life, it just does not have to be in the face of restriction, overeating for pleasure or numbing.  My encouragement of surrender, and acceptance and health at every size is not meant to deny or make room for behaviors that do not serve our highest good.  We must cultivate and maintain a mindset of self-respect, love, and enough structure to feed ourselves and move our bodies in a way that promotes our individual highest self. 

Here are some additional resources to support your journey.  

• On Weight Stigma: Research by folks like Rebecca Puhl and colleagues highlights how harmful weight stigma is, affecting both our physical and mental health.
• Self-Compassion: Studies show that being kind to ourselves (self-compassion) can actually lead to healthier eating habits and a better body image.
• Mindful & Intuitive Eating: These approaches, explored by researchers like Tracy Tylka, encourage listening to your body's signals and building a more peaceful relationship with food.
• Health at Every Size (HAES®): This movement, championed by authors like Lindo Bacon, advocates for body diversity, respectful care, and focusing on health behaviors rather than just weight.
• Motivational Interviewing: This communication style, developed by William Miller and Stephen Rollnick, helps people find their own motivation for change, emphasizing autonomy and compassion.
• The Dieting Cycle: Research by Janet Polivy and C. Peter Herman explains how strict dieting can often lead to overeating and feeling out of control with food.