What is a Dichotomy?
By definition, a dichotomy is a division or contrast between two things that are considered to be opposed OR seemingly, a contradiction. While dichotomies can give us structure to think about our experiences, they often don’t make sense in real life and can actually hinder our momentum, motivation, and ability to succeed. When we treat them as absolutes, they become rigid and limiting.
For example, the idea that you must choose between being assertive or being kind can create inner tension—when, in reality, you can be both assertive and kind.
Why Do We Get Stuck in Dichotomies?
Dichotomies are confusing because our brains crave clarity, certainty, and control. We want to know: Am I doing this right? Should I go this way or that way? What will others think?
This black-and-white thinking is tempting because it feels safer. But it can lead to emotional whiplash, self-doubt, or feeling like we’re never enough.
The Truth About Real Life
Real life is complex and layered. You can feel grateful and grieving at the same time. You can be confident and uncertain in the same moment. You can need rest and movement simultaneously. You can love someone deeply while needing space.
These experiences aren’t contradictions—they’re truths that co-exist. Our individual experience isn’t either-or. It’s a full-spectrum experience.
Living with Dichotomies
Living with dichotomies requires emotional flexibility, mindfulness, and a willingness to sit with discomfort.
Dichotomies exist profoundly in the behavior change process and can either hinder or support motivation. You can experience both strength and softness, structure and freedom, as well as autonomy and connection—all at once.
TRUTH: Embracing dichotomies doesn't mean giving up clarity or your beliefs—it means widening your view. It’s about recognizing that life is rarely lived in absolutes, and that's where wisdom lives.
If you find yourself caught in a tug-of-war between two opposing feelings or choices, pause and ask:
- Can both be true?
- Can I hold space for both?
Most often, the real answer—the healing, the growth, the peace—lies in the AND. Honoring the truth in this can relieve your suffering and open your mindset to multiple possibilities that can co-exist. You can be practicing behaviors that do not totally serve you AND still be in the process of behavior change. Name it, feel it, but don’t let dichotomies minimize your motivation to succeed.
My Experience
Through many dichotomies as a wife, mom, professional, and friend, what I have come to know is this: Peace and purpose are found in the moments where we face opposing truths and surrender to both. This is the "BOTH AND". Those who come to expect the dichotomy in a situation and are prepared to trust that both have purpose and meaning will find the most peace and progress. For example, I can be really excited about something AND disappointed in the progress. This gives me the opportunity to check in with my expectations and see if I can find a way to match them to my excitement and the progress that currently does exist. Sometimes we create our own stress and turbulence (suffering) in the dichotomies, when we can choose to embrace both and maintain excitement and motivation. It is almost a relief!
Reflect
Take a minute to think about your own dichotomies. Do you ever judge yourself when both can be true? There is surrender AND acceptance in the BOTH AND.
What dichotomies are you holding today? How can you honor both sides? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
